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Figure It Out: School Pick Up Line

11 Apr

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If I take into account that most people are obligated in some form or fashion to follow the calendar, I’m guessing that most people know it is April. That said, Allie’s school began back in early August. She has attended the school for 3 years now, and while every year the child drop off/pick up process changes location with each grade, the process is essentially the same.

You have a pass with your child’s number on it. You hang it from your rearview mirror, or you attach it to your windshield with scotch/duct tape like a total junkie. Then, you follow the assigned line to pick up your child. It’s pretty simple. You pull your car into the line of cars. You wait on your child until it is your turn to pull up and get them. It’s really a painless process that has been well thought out by school officials. At most, the process has only ever taken 10-15 minutes.

Anyway, it is April, and it seems that some people still haven’t mastered the parent pick up line. They have had since August to figure out that all you have to do is to get in line with the pick-up pass placed in a visible spot. But no. At any given moment, a redneck car will randomly pull out in front of you in spite of the fact that you are both hauling around children, or try to cut line. Cutting line is pretty obvious when:

a) YOU ARE IN A CAR!

b) The cars you are trying to squeeze between are roughly one foot apart.

c) The average car is 15-17ft long, which provided you aren’t Ray Charles or Helen Keller, is pretty easy to notice.

A Volkswagen Beetle could not slyly sneak in the line; in fact, a Japanese beetle probably couldn’t sneak into the line. Also: it is a line! And I was under the impression most people picking up children were adults that could follow general principles of decent human behavior like waiting your turn or not charging at a car with a freshly retrieved from school child. But I was wrong, because at least once a week a car pulls out in front of me or nearly side swipes me.

Ugh. Anyway, it may be time to give up hope for those haven’t figured out the process, because if you haven’t figured out how to follow a simple process by now, it is probably never happening.

(Also, while I have publicly admitted my car is a disaster, I still refuse to tape a piece of paper to my windshield.)

(And I know the above picture has nothing to do with the writing, but I think Allie is pretty.)

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Laugh Worthy Wednesday

27 Mar

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Allie never gives me the silent treatment, but if she did, I feel she may leave a note of this nature.

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This makes me laugh every.single.time.

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So helpless!

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My boyfriend got slaughtered in Ruzzle, and I made a freak high score in one of the rounds.

20130326-235853.jpgThe summary of most of my nights.

(Most of these pictures were taken from Pinterest.  Only the Ruzzle one is mine.)

Cougar Pageants: Proposed Talent Events

13 Feb

I’ve been thinking a lot about how long it will be until there are beauty pageants for Cougars.  Not the animal variety but those of the older women seeking extremely younger men variety.  With the popularity of Cougars in the media, it seems like only a short while until these become idea.   In fact, I just googled cougar pageant, and they are apparently up and coming already.  That said, I would like to propose a few levels of contest for the pageants in order for them to reach their true potential of Ms. Cougar America.

Couga!

(Picture from: ABC News Entertainment)

So you want to be in a Cougar pageant?  These are the steps and talents of which you must be privy!

Spoon Feeding Frenzy:  On the first talent level, Cougars MUST spoon feed the young men they may be dating, as this is a likely hood of the future.  Additionally, as a cougar, you  should be spoon fed by a young man, so in the event of inability to feed themselves the young man is prepared. Obviously the ability to do both of these will be enough to move to the next level.

Escape the Spanx: In this event, while wearing other undergarments beneath, the Cougars must race to see who can escape full hip to knee Spanx the fastest. the quickest at escaping their Spanx will be rated accordingly.  Those failing completely will be eliminated.  This event is in lieu of the usual swimsuit pageant.

Age Deception: Cougars will be tested by their ability to deceive a panel of young male judges about their true age. Several points are awarded for their ability to present themselves as younger.  While there are several variables, they will be addressed with a variety of male panelist judges.  Extra points will be given for those too confident to deceive.

Highlight Your Talent Stage:  Whether your talent be lassoing in young men with a caddle ropes or luring them in with Patsy Cline songs, this is the place to apply the special talent that makes you extra cougary.   Two-step with your platform boots or square dance with your walkers.  All talents are considered.

The Interview:  The interview is an essential portion of the Cougar Pageant.  You must be able to answer various questions about how you as a Cougar will change the world and promote your special talents to the make our country a better place.   Questions may be as easy as, “How will dating men 30 years your junior motivate the youth, including the one you aim to finagle with, to recycle?”   They may be as difficult as, “Why do you think people are more accepting of older men that date younger women?”  Again, the interview is truly essential to the pageant and all facets of the questions are important and will largely impact the decision of who wins.

Finally, the winner will be crowned.  Based on performance in all of the above categories, as well as overall appearance and reaction of the males under 25 on the pane, a winner will be crowned with a brass crown coated in the cheapest of white golds.  All runners up will receive gift certificates for acrylic nails and a round of applause.

In the event of a tie, there will obviously be a Demi Moore look alike contest.

(This is obviously a joke.  I don’t care about your age or the age of the men you are dating.  I would go watch a minimum of 10 cougar pageants, if they existed.)