Cougar Pageants: Proposed Talent Events

13 Feb

I’ve been thinking a lot about how long it will be until there are beauty pageants for Cougars.  Not the animal variety but those of the older women seeking extremely younger men variety.  With the popularity of Cougars in the media, it seems like only a short while until these become idea.   In fact, I just googled cougar pageant, and they are apparently up and coming already.  That said, I would like to propose a few levels of contest for the pageants in order for them to reach their true potential of Ms. Cougar America.


(Picture from: ABC News Entertainment)

So you want to be in a Cougar pageant?  These are the steps and talents of which you must be privy!

Spoon Feeding Frenzy:  On the first talent level, Cougars MUST spoon feed the young men they may be dating, as this is a likely hood of the future.  Additionally, as a cougar, you  should be spoon fed by a young man, so in the event of inability to feed themselves the young man is prepared. Obviously the ability to do both of these will be enough to move to the next level.

Escape the Spanx: In this event, while wearing other undergarments beneath, the Cougars must race to see who can escape full hip to knee Spanx the fastest. the quickest at escaping their Spanx will be rated accordingly.  Those failing completely will be eliminated.  This event is in lieu of the usual swimsuit pageant.

Age Deception: Cougars will be tested by their ability to deceive a panel of young male judges about their true age. Several points are awarded for their ability to present themselves as younger.  While there are several variables, they will be addressed with a variety of male panelist judges.  Extra points will be given for those too confident to deceive.

Highlight Your Talent Stage:  Whether your talent be lassoing in young men with a caddle ropes or luring them in with Patsy Cline songs, this is the place to apply the special talent that makes you extra cougary.   Two-step with your platform boots or square dance with your walkers.  All talents are considered.

The Interview:  The interview is an essential portion of the Cougar Pageant.  You must be able to answer various questions about how you as a Cougar will change the world and promote your special talents to the make our country a better place.   Questions may be as easy as, “How will dating men 30 years your junior motivate the youth, including the one you aim to finagle with, to recycle?”   They may be as difficult as, “Why do you think people are more accepting of older men that date younger women?”  Again, the interview is truly essential to the pageant and all facets of the questions are important and will largely impact the decision of who wins.

Finally, the winner will be crowned.  Based on performance in all of the above categories, as well as overall appearance and reaction of the males under 25 on the pane, a winner will be crowned with a brass crown coated in the cheapest of white golds.  All runners up will receive gift certificates for acrylic nails and a round of applause.

In the event of a tie, there will obviously be a Demi Moore look alike contest.

(This is obviously a joke.  I don’t care about your age or the age of the men you are dating.  I would go watch a minimum of 10 cougar pageants, if they existed.)


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